Living In The Moment

I took a long walk at dusk this evening, just as the world was starting to still itself. I was by myself, no company, no iPod, just me alone with the bustling contents of my head. It was one of the few rare moments I have allowed myself to be this intimate with my own thoughts over these last few months, as life has fallen into one of its "frenetic" cycles...as it often does.



I had just traveled 9 hours on an airplane, on Christmas day, with an exhausted and crabby 6 year old, a husband in a full leg cast fresh out of ACL replacement surgery...WITH pneumonia, and I was exhausted from days and days and late nights of holiday hoopla, not to mention being knee deep in the emotional drudges of severe PMDD...from which I have weened myself off of all drugs and telling myself "I can handle this"...even though from my bouts of nonsensical crying interspersed with fits of rage, I knew I could NOT.



We arrived at my in-laws in lovely Delrey Beach, Florida... I dumped off my suitcase, changed out of my jeans, double long sleeved shirts, and sweater, and into a pair of shorts and flip-flops and headed out the door. My goal was to take a quick walk around "the compound" (a loving term of endearment I have given to the gated community of mostly retired Jewish "northerners" where my in-laws reside approximately 6 weeks out of the year.) to blow off some steam and pull myself together before having to be a congenial, functioning, pleasant, daughter-in-law.

That is when the epiphany happened. Even though I had just had a less than restful day, and was in the mindset to start a war with anyone who even considered looking at me for more than a half second, I was COMPLETELY at peace. I was calm. I was....happy? Really? Could this be?
Just minutes before, all I wanted was to lock myself in a dark room with the covers firmly drawn over my ears to hide from the world, but it's true, I felt HAPPY.

Being the "thoughtful" kind of person I am (as in "introspective"...not "Hallmark"), I found myself recalling the happiest moments in my life, and there it was....the metaphoric light bulb above my head...the bright light at the end of the tunnel...the clarity...the epiphany! All of these moments in my life where my soul felt connected to the universe, where I felt truly ALIVE, were times when I was living fully and completely in the moment. No distraction of worry...either real or imaginary occurrences from the past, present, or future, no "to-do" list to ponder, no conscientiousness of "self", just BEING. The births of my children, the moment I said "I Do" to my wonderful husband (who puts up with A LOT!) under the chuppah, the time I dove into the crystal clear Mediterranean Sea after drinking wine and sunbathing on the rocky shores of the Cinque Terre, every time I dance....all times when I was/am wholly and completely in the moment. Bliss. Now the big question is....how do I have MORE of these moments?